Learning Tongue Control
Tongue control is the conscious effort to monitor and regulate the stream of words exiting our mouths. Sometimes our verbal responses are well-considered before we launch, and at other times the words flow with abandon. The second scenario often leads to regret as tiny words occupy the air waves for mere seconds but leave significant damage in their wake. Hurt. Unkindness. Even outright and intentional malice.
Have you ever spoken or thought phrases like these?
- “I wish I hadn’t said that!”
- “Wow, if only I had come up with that reply at the time!”
- “How do I squelch my response before I speak? I don’t want to add more fuel to this raging verbal fire.”
- “Where does that off-color verbiage originate, and how can I erase it from my speech?”
- “What can I do to produce well-seasoned, tasteful, and edifying speech?”
Can the tongue be controlled?
If only our tongues included save to disk, rewind, pause, and even a backspace key to erase the last few syllables we might see a tremendous reduction in relational strife. One author offers these comments:
“…when it comes to speaking, the incidents of improperly worded messages bite me far more often than stuff I’ve written. I guess the slower pace of writing affords time for contemplation, a truth I wish I kept in mind when speaking. And speaking happens with gestures, volume and inflections, three additional quagmires I might do well to watch carefully.[1]”
Is there hope for mastering our tongues in a world that favors vile retorts? Foul language, nasty-sounding substitute words, and hurtful speech are the norm. What does God expect from us? Did He create us with the capacity for tongue control? James, the half-brother of Jesus made this startling revelation in his New Testament letter:
And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell. For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by the human race. But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. James 3:6-8 NASB Emphasis added
I need an action plan.
Improvement in most any arena of life requires an action plan; a set of steps we follow to achieve a desired outcome. Consider budgeting to manage our funds, or exercising to offset our eating, or scheduling to make beneficial use of our time. Tongue control requires a similar action plan, one that walks us in easy steps from where we are to where we want to be.
What goals do I have for my speech?
Is there a person in your life who dominates every conversation with stories of his experiences? Or a listing of aches and pains coupled with a gory replay of his latest medical procedure? What about that person who seems unable to speak a full sentence without a generous splattering of profanity? Have you an acquaintance who can be described as having no verbal filters? Those examples (hopefully) represent the person we do not want to become through our words. What about aiming at a different set of speech targets?
- I want to honor God and represent Him with my words.
- Let me demonstrate value through what I bring to the conversation.
- May I spotlight worth in my listener by building him up through the judicious use of encouraging words.
- I need words in my toolbox that can be applied like a healing salve to help that hurting friend.
- Hopefully I will speak in a way that I might be invited back to chat again.
Does God have expectations for my words?
Now let’s get God’s take on what our speech should be. After all, if I claim to be part of His family, my speech reflects back on Him.
Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Ephesians 4:29-31 NASB
Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity. Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person. Colossians 4:5-6 NASB
Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe. 1 Timothy 4:12 NASB
in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us. Titus 2:7-8 NASB
God sets the expectations for our speech high indeed. His standard often seems out of reach, and as James shared, we can’t improve our speech without external help. That brings us to God’s part in our speech improvement program.
Does God play a part in my tongue control?
I may not be able to control my tongue in every circumstance on my own, but I know Someone who can help. God is the Creator, and He put each of us together with certain abilities and temperaments. Some of us emit words like one of those radio commercials where the announcer attempts to get all the disclaimers out before the time slot expires. Words come easy for that person. Others are shy about speaking out.
Here’s a thought to consider—God made both types of talkers and all those in between. For a purpose. His purpose. And only He can power and control our tongues effectively to achieve that purpose. Consider Moses, the reluctant stutterer, who rejected God’s offer to lead Israel. God addressed that man’s objections with gusto.
The LORD said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Or who makes him mute or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the LORD? “Now then go, and I, even I, will be with your mouth, and teach you what you are to say.” Exodus 4:11-12 NASB
David, the shepherd who became king, offered these prayers out of his awareness that God-controlled speech is effective speech. Wow, do I ever need God guarding my mouth and blocking words that have no business taking up air space. Please, Lord, help me!
Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O LORD, You know it all. Psalms 139:4 NASB
Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips. Psalms 141:3 NASB
And what about my part in controlling my tongue?
God has unlimited power over my tongue, yes, but God is a gentleman and waits for me to step up and seek change before He acts. If I want that tongue control, I must be willing to follow His direction, and He has given much training material on proper use of the tongue. What is my part in whittling out worthwhile words? My action plan must include verbs, words that indicate specific actions.
Eradicate the wrong stuff.
I need to make room in my heart for wholesome words. My brain can’t put together quality sentences if the only available raw materials are filth, frivolity and nonsense. Clean the heart-house thoroughly and fill the space with good stuff. We might ask ourselves what or who influences my speech patterns. Are my words skewed toward negativity by a close companion, a TV show, or someone I follow on the web? Might be good places to apply the broom.
Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Ephesians 4:29-31 NASB
But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. Colossians 3:8 NASB
“But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders. “These are the things which defile the man; but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile the man.” Matthew 15:18-20 NASB
Fill my heart with healthy materials.
David, floundering in sin at a low point in his life, asked God to create, from nothing already there, a pure heart. That squeaky clean heart is the starting point for tongue control, and take note that God and only God can create that heart.
Hide Your face from my sins And blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalms 51:9-10 NASB
With good choices in what we read, watch, listen to, study or meditate on we add quality raw materials that can improve the flavor of our speech significantly. Here’s a list describing those items we should ingest.
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. Philippians 4:8 NASB
“The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart. Luke 6:45 NASB
Mix proper ingredients to flavor my words.
Assuming I have mastered the previous point and quality materials are now permeating my thoughts I am ready to bake masterpieces with my words. Baking differs from microwave cooking in that time and patience come into play. It is acceptable when talking that I slow down my responses so I have time to reflect and consider before my words sound forth. Too much of one spice can skew the entire dish, right? Positivity, hope, purpose, a sense of well-being—as a believer I possess those because of God’s grace and generosity. Do my words sound out that message?
Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity. Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person. Colossians 4:5-6 NASB
Guard my tongue and recognize its power.
When my grandchildren join me in the workshop, I pass out their safety classes, and Grandma ties Fern’s beautiful hair back. I must protect their fingers, arms, and little feet. There are tools in that shop that the kids do not yet know how to use safely. Apply that idea to our dangerously sharpened tongues. Are we aware that the tongue is a tool which might cause irreparable harm if used improperly?
Keep your tongue from evil And your lips from speaking deceit. Psalms 34:12-13 NASB Selected
The one who guards his mouth preserves his life… Proverbs 13:3 NASB Selected
He who guards his mouth and his tongue, Guards his soul from troubles. Proverbs 21:23 NASB
Muzzle my speech when I must.
Most of us have encountered a dog which barks, snarls, and bites without provocation. Perhaps with proper training Fido might learn to work and play well with others. Or he may need to wear a muzzle when out and about. King David applied that image to tongue control.
I said, “I will guard my ways That I may not sin with my tongue; I will guard my mouth as with a muzzle While the wicked are in my presence.” Psalms 39:1 NASB
Silence and a refusal to jump into the conversation remain viable options which can reduce my trouble in life. The fewer words I utter the less my chance of becoming entangled in a verbal rhubarb.
He who restrains his words has knowledge, And he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent. Proverbs 17:27-28 NASB
Bridle and guide my tongue
I had promised a trail ride as part of our vacation festivities and the cool afternoon seemed ideal for our adventure. Oh, the beautiful black stallion led into the corral by the guide who stopped beside my youngest daughter and helped her settle into the saddle. I imagined how magnificent would be the steed saddled for me. A second guide rounded the corner of the barn leading Buck, my horse for the afternoon. Yep, Buck. He sagged and swayed like a rickety bridge.
I was placed at the rear of the procession. Along with Buck’s asthmatic breathing his digestive system produced flatulence of such a sinister nature my eyes watered more than once on that long afternoon. Buck displayed an independent streak, and I had to use the bridle firmly to steer his wanderings back onto the trail.
Buck stands as a good example of the challenges I face with tongue control. I want to do my best, but that tiny member has a mind of its own. At times, I wonder, “Where did that stinking comment come from?”
We must lead our tongues in the correct direction. While the brain works much faster than we can speak, but we can speak without engaging the brain much at all.
If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless. James 1:26 NASB
Restrain my words as needed.
I may have the perfect verbal put-down loaded and ready to fire, but I need to hold back and consider. Will it help if I tell the listener how I really feel or try, with gusto, to hurt his feelings? This is my time to ease back on the word throttle and coast for a while. Consider the direction of the conversation and whether the outcome will be beneficial to all parties.
Restraint means I know what my tongue is capable of, and I know that at times my planned comment must be stifled.
When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, But he who restrains his lips is wise. Proverbs 10:19 NASB
He who restrains his words has knowledge, And he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Proverbs 17:27 NASB
Find help in Scripture.
From the NASB translation of the Bible I pulled together a wagon-load of Scripture references on speech, talk, words, and so on. Follow this link to get the file:
These twelve (12) pages can be printed on card stock, cut apart, and used as memory cards for personal benefit. I pull out six from my stack each Sunday morning and review them during my devotions in the coming week. The only way to adjust my speech patterns in the longterm is to follow the Creator’s guidance, and my verse cards help me form a solid habit of reviewing His expectations. Maybe the cards will help you also.
We all can benefit from lessons on tongue control.
[1] Nichols John W. Facets of Manhood: Polishing Our Character. Raleigh: Lulu Press. 2024. p 51.
