I survived my journey through the Land of Purse (if you need to review, see Part 1). Although there were several close calls, my expedition provided a worthwhile education. Men, once we see the myriad items ladies tote, we will respect and fear them. Forget about handguns. One swing of a loaded purse will knock any man senseless.
Shoving a hand into a purse loaded with bristly brushes can trigger a significant increase in the male heart rate, especially if he did not look first. Visions of porcupines and other barbed wildlife spring to the mental monitors and may evoke a girly squeal from manly vocal chords. Primal fear is one reason a man will not rummage in his lady’s purse. How many hair brushes does one … never mind. We already know the answer – one more.
A well-stocked lady (not sure if that sounds right) will be able to effect sewing repairs at any event and will likely have the correct color of thread. As the magic sewing kit is pulled from the purse, the one in need of the emergency repair is bonded to the purse owner in a lasting friendship. It is peace and harmony that eludes two guys sharing a role of duct tape.
If we collected a quarter for every time a Mom has been asked for a Band-Aid in the last 50 years, I think we might have a good chance at settling the national debt. The dual roles of Mom and Wife mean being prepared for on-the-spot medical care. Bug bites, skinned knees, splinters, and paper cuts – Dr. Mom can treat them all. Her magic touch makes the hurt feel better. I cannot explain the volume compression techniques used to stuff all this equipment into a purse, though. Santa Claus uses the same compression algorithm and we just have to believe, not understand.
A well-known truth, recognized in the Land of Purse, is guys and kids get hungry. Guys and kids get grouchy when they get hungry. A snack or two can be retrieved and applied for instant relief from the whining. The soup can may be some sort of self-defense mechanism as I didn’t find a can opener. Perhaps a desperate Mom can ripe it open with her teeth or squeeze the soup out like Popeye?
Basic tools help in an emergency. I never knew ladies toted duct tape in their purses. I promise you, no Louis Vuitton’s were damaged in this photo shoot. Men, next time you pick up your wife’s purse you will know why it weighs the same as the engine block from a Chevy.
A lady uses her time efficiently and will carry a mini-library of worthwhile reading selections. She patiently waits for the traffic light to change while reading a couple of pages, assuming her passengers are quiet and happily munching their snacks. If the light turns green and she does not floor the accelerator, wait patiently while she marks her place and stows the book in her purse.
The most mysterious discovery in the Land of Purse was the ubiquitous Camouflage Kit. The components may vary, but every purse held such a kit. A woman can retrieve these magic elixirs, brushes, and doodads, and in seconds she transforms herself into a being no man can resist. Her enchanted covering destroys the resistance of the average male and should she add a spritz of her perfume, he falls completely under her control. The Camouflage Kit is scary stuff and none of the items had warning labels like the chemicals in the garage. Perhaps someone should notify the FDA?
Men, if we wonder why it takes our ladies so long to get ready, imagine the logistics of choosing and packing all this brouhaha into one small purse. Any lady who can curl or press this much weight on a regular basis is a beast, albeit a lovely beast, and deserves nothing but respect!
If the popular commercial line “What’s in your wallet?” ever changes to “What’s in your purse?”, we’re ready to give an answer.
PS – My thanks to Shawn for setting up the scenes and taking the photos. Maybe I will have to take her purse shopping.